


Life In Plastic Ain't Fantastic

by dinosaursmate



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Magic, Barbie AU, Don't read it for the smut you'll be disappointed lmao, M/M, Smut, they're dolls basically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-05-28 17:37:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19399090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinosaursmate/pseuds/dinosaursmate
Summary: The doll stood to his feet and sort of waddled over to Harry and, in that very moment, Harry was certain he was having a full-blown nightmare. It was a terrible, frightening thing to see, and Harry himself got to his feet.“Sorry to tell you this, mate,” the doll said, squinting at Harry. “You’re a doll, too.”Harry looked down - as best he could with his stiff neck - and immediately he began to scream.“I’m plastic! I’m fucking plastic!” Harry whimpered and waddled back to the hard, wooden bed and sat down. “Oh my God. Oh my God.”---Harry didn't go to bed like this, but he damn well woke up like this, and he needs to find a way for him and his new friends to get out of this bloody toy box.





	Life In Plastic Ain't Fantastic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LadyLondonderry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyLondonderry/gifts).



> If you're thinking this fic seems like it's gonna be really fucking weird, then congrats, you have it nailed! But [Emmu](http://londonfoginacup.tumblr.com) has been hounding me for literal years to write this stupid fic I once got the idea for so I've finally produced the goods.
> 
> Thank you to [Sus](http://lululawrence.tumblr.com) for a nice betaing!
> 
> Thanks for deciding to read this, it's really fun lmao

Harry felt uncomfortable, which was unusual. His luxurious, expensive king-sized bed didn’t really leave much room for discomfort, and Harry’s suspicion tugged his eyes open sooner than he would have liked. 

Immediately, he could tell something was very wrong. Firstly, it was kind of dark. He was used to seeing the sun streaming in through the bay window in the morning, but the light surrounding him seemed dull. Secondly, he felt as though he was in a box. He laid still, until his breathing started to labour from a touch of claustrophobia. He sat bolt upright.

His initial reaction to realising he wasn’t in his bed where he fell asleep last night was to panic even further, though he calmed down slightly when he realised that he wasn’t, in fact, in a coffin. He was in a room with no windows or ceiling. Harry was a cool, logical kind of person. So, naturally, he assumed he had probably been kidnapped or something. 

He swung his legs off of whatever he was laying on. His whole body felt stiff, probably due to going too hard at the gym yesterday. He stretched his arms above his head as he took in his surroundings and tried to work out where he might be. If he was honest, it kind of looked like he was in a box. Looking around some more, he realised for the first time that he wasn’t alone.

Or… at least he thought he wasn’t. Maybe he had lost his mind, but as much as he squinted, he couldn’t work out if the… thing in the corner was a man or a doll.

The thing turned its head and Harry nearly yelled in surprise.

“Um… hello?” His tone was laced with disbelief. He was talking to a doll, and he was now solidly certain that he was dreaming. He guessed he might as well roll with it. 

“Hi,” the doll replied, sounding hesitant and a little scared. “I, um… can’t move.”

“You’re… no offence, mate. You’re a doll.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re a plastic doll. Like a Ken doll.”

“I’m  _ what?” _

Harry shook his head. “I know. It’s weird. I hope I wake up soon.”

The doll stood to his feet and sort of waddled over to Harry and, in that very moment, Harry was certain he was having a full-blown nightmare. It was a terrible, frightening thing to see, and Harry himself got to his feet.

“Sorry to tell you this, mate,” the doll said, squinting at Harry. “You’re a doll, too.”

Harry looked down - as best he could with his stiff neck - and immediately he began to scream.

“I’m plastic! I’m fucking plastic!” Harry whimpered and waddled back to the hard, wooden bed and sat down. “Oh my God. Oh my God.”

Harry’s blossoming panic wasn’t helped by the other man - doll, whatever - pacing back and forth in that creepy waddle, which was the only kind of walking he was presumably capable of. 

“Calm down. Just… calm down.” The man brought a stiff, non-posable hand up to his face and rubbed it along his chin, as if to scratch it in thought. “You reckon this is a dream?”

“Well, I haven’t  _ really _ been turned into a bloody dolly, have I?” Harry exclaimed. 

“Who’s yelling?”

Harry and the other man spun around, looking over in the corner of the room. All Harry could see was a flash of yellow hair, before… something emerged. The head attached to the yellow hair, and the body attached to the head.

It was a troll doll. Not only was it a troll doll, it was a troll doll with a white star where a belly button should be and one red and one green eye.

“A wishing troll!” the other man cried out. “Cool. Or, like… really terrifying.”

“Maybe I can wish that the real me wakes up,” Harry murmured sadly.

“Lads,” the troll said with an Irish accent, which startled Harry somewhat. “It’s not a dream. Welcome to the toy box.”

“What?” Harry asked, shaking his head with incomprehension.

“Sorry, Ken. Ya stuck in the box, now.”

“My name is Harry.”

“Alright,” the troll replied. “But you’re a Ken doll.”

“Like him?” Harry asked, pointing at the other man.

“Kind of. You don’t look the same, but I guess you’re both Ken dolls.”

“I’m Louis,” the other man said, holding a hand up as if to wave. “And I would really like to know what’s going on, here.”

The troll sighed. “Okay, well. I take it you both know a kid called Emily.”

“Emily?” Louis asked, frowning. “I live next door to an Emily.”

Harry looked from Louis to the troll. “I cut a girl called Emily’s hair.”

“I hate to break it to you guys, but…” The troll took a deep breath. “She’s a witch.”

Louis scoffed. “You’ve got that right.”

“An  _ actual _ witch, lads. You must’ve both pissed her off if she’s banished you to the toy box.”

“This is impossible,” Harry said, shaking his head. “What’s your name, troll?”

“Niall. I prefer it to ‘troll’, to be honest.”

“How long have you been in here?” Harry asked.

Niall blinked his red and green eyes and Harry’s stomach churned.

“Dunno. No clocks or calendars in here. Maybe a month or two?”

“What?!”

“We have to get out,” Louis said, tilting his stupid plastic head slightly to look up. “It can’t be that hard.”

“Do ya think we haven’t tried?” Niall snapped. “Don’t be so fuckin’ stupid!”

“Who’s we?” Harry asked.

“Me and Liam,” Niall said with a slight shrug. “Liam sleeps a lot. He’ll be really excited to see some new faces when he wakes up.”

Harry looked around to locate this Liam. There were inanimate toys everywhere; a plastic Winnie The Pooh figurine, a Thomas The Tank Engine train, a teddy bear laying on its back in the corner.

“Yup,” Niall confirmed. “That’s Liam.”

“The teddy bear?”

“Yep. Poor guy. All he can really do is sit up and lie down. And even then, I have to help him a lot of the time.”

Harry cocked an eyebrow. “But he’s, like, ten times the size of you.”

“I’m strong, okay?!”

Louis sighed and began to pace again. He reminded Harry of a caged animal. Well, a mixture of a caged animal and some kind of stop-motion low-budget Barbie film.

“Niall?” a groggy voice came from the corner.

“Excuse me,” Niall said with a sigh, and waddled off to the corner to see Liam the teddy bear.

“What do you think?” Louis asked Harry quietly.

Harry frowned and looked him up and down. “What do you mean?”

“You think we can trust the troll?”

Harry rubbed his forehead with a plastic hand. Why would it even occur to him not to trust Niall? He wasn’t exactly thinking about that kind of thing. Call him crazy, but he was focusing on the fact that he woke up this morning as a fucking Ken doll.

“Sure,” he said, not having the energy to argue with Louis. “So, you live next door to Emily?”

“Yeah. She’s an absolute terror.”

“Mm,” Harry agreed. “She always sneered at me when I finished cutting her hair. As if it was my fault that she hated the haircut her mum asked me to give her.”

“She’s done a lot of stuff,” Louis replied with a sigh. “But this is probably the worst.”

-

Once Liam the teddy bear was awake and sitting up, Harry, along with Louis, went over to say hello.

“Welcome,” Liam said sadly. “It sucks in here.”

“How did you know Emily?” Louis asked.

“I’m her teacher.”

“Oh!” Louis said. “You’re the teacher that went missing!”

“How long have I been missing for?” Liam replied in awe. “People are really looking for me? Little old me?”

“Bear brain,” Niall explained to Harry in a whisper.

“Four or five weeks,” Louis said. “Ever since the school year ended, really. Mate, your family have been doing TV appeals and everything. They’re distraught.”

Liam let out loud, slow, deep sobs. They sounded very exaggerated, but not too different to how Harry would expect a teddy bear to cry.

What was he even thinking?

“Alright,” Harry said impatiently. “There has to be a way out.”

“There isn’t,” Niall replied with a shrug. “The sooner you get used to that, the better.”

Niall turned away, and Louis sighed.

“Look, Harry, maybe we should just… make ourselves comfortable.”

“Comfortable?” Harry exclaimed.  _ “Comfortable?” _

Louis rolled his eyes. Harry couldn’t work it out. The both of them could move their eyes, pull facial expressions and move their bodies enough to walk and stuff, but Harry couldn’t wiggle his toes or pick anything up or stretch his stiff muscles. Presumably, they didn’t need to eat, and - Harry stuck his hand down the back of his trousers - yep, he had no way of shitting, anyway.

“What on earth are you doing?” Louis asked.

“Oh!” Harry would have blushed if he had blood, rather than being comprised of a hollow, plastic shell. “Um, I was just checking if I have a- a hole back there.”

“And?”

“I do not.”

“Good,” Louis scoffed. “Because there isn’t anywhere to wash your hands.”

Harry watched Niall help Liam to his feet, Liam still sobbing, while Louis hobbled around, looking at their surroundings.

“I wonder if she ever comes to, like, play with us. Or say hello, whatever.”

“We can hardly ambush her,” Harry said with a sigh.

Louis tilted his head. “Hey, Niall?”

“Huh?” Niall looked over his shoulder.

“Are there any mirrors in here?”

“There’s like a baby’s teddy in the corner over there that has a little mirror on it.”

Louis walked over and bent at the waist to look at his reflection. He gasped, horrified.

“I really am a Ken doll. Although I look kind of like me.”

“And don’t get excited, lads.” Niall shrugged his shoulders. “There aren’t any Barbies in here.”

“Oh, no, no…” Harry replied, looking at Louis when he murmured a similar protest. “I’m not… you know. Into Barbies.”

Louis looked him up and down. “Mm, me neither.”

As if on cue, a flood of light filled the toybox and Harry squinted, putting a hand in front of his face and looking up. 

There she was. Emily. Small-child-slash-demon. Harry felt as if she looked right into his eyes, smirking as she dropped something into the toybox, before slamming the lid shut once again.

Harry rubbed his eyes and blinked, waiting for them to transition back to the darkness. Liam was whimpering, probably scared by the incident, and Harry’s eyes widened as he realised that they had company. Emily had thrown someone else in.

“Ugh.” Of course. It was a Barbie. She got to her feet, screeching as she righted herself on her impossibly long, plastic legs. “What the hell?”

Louis’ neck snapped around, and he stared at Barbie in disbelief. He walked over.

“Is…” He shook his head, peering at her. “Is that you, Lottie?”

“Oh my God, Louis?” Barbie - or Lottie, apparently - sighed loudly. “This is where you disappeared to. That Emily is evil. Are you… a doll?”

“You are too, Lots.” Louis sighed and looked at Harry. “My little sister, Lottie.”

“Hi. I’m Harry.”

Lottie looked at him warily, before turning back to Louis. “What’s going on?”

“She keeps kidnapping people and somehow turning them into toys.” Louis sighed. “Sorry to inform you, but you’re a Barbie doll.”

“I am?” Lottie stiffly looked down at herself. “Cool! That explains the legs.”

“It’s not cool, Lottie.”

Harry glanced over to Niall, who was getting to his feet and waddling over. He stood next to Lottie, looking up at her.

_ “Well. _ Hello.”

“Niall, back off,” Louis warned.

Lottie looked down at him and snorted in amusement. Niall’s eyes only came halfway up Lottie’s thigh, and even his hair didn’t quite reach her face. It was a ridiculous sight.

“Oh, come on,” Niall said miserably to Louis. “I’ve not seen a girl in years.”

“So?” Louis replied. “What, you and Liam never cuddled on a cold, lonely night?”

“His head is literally full of stuffing. That would be wrong.”

“Your head is literally full of air,” Harry pointed out. “Same for all of us.”

“The difference is, Liam acts like his head is full of stuffing.”

“True,” Louis said with a shrug. “It’s a shame. As a man, he was kind of sexy.”

Liam wailed sadly from the corner. “It’s true. I was.”

Louis looked over at Harry and grinned.

-

Lottie took to Liam especially and, along with Niall, they helped him go for a bit of a walk around the toybox. Louis laid down on the wooden bed and stared at the ceiling. 

“I kind of don’t even feel bored,” he mused.

“I’m bored,” Harry replied. “There is literally nothing to do. Can’t even play with toys because there’s no fun in that when you actually  _ are _ a toy.”

“I miss toys,” Louis said with a tone that made Harry’s eyebrows raise. “Do you think people can have sex in here?”

“How?” Harry asked, frowning. “We don’t have… you know.”

“Well, I dunno. We don’t have brains, but we can think. We don’t have voice boxes, but we can speak. Just because we don’t have dicks or holes, doesn’t mean there’s no way to have an orgasm. I should ask Niall.”

“Didn’t sound like he’s ever thought about trying.”

Louis moved his hands to his velcro trousers and tried to pull them open. Harry covered his eyes and, when he heard the velcro rip open, he groaned.

“Louis, what are you doing?”

“Just looking.” Louis tutted. “Stop being a baby. Have you looked? You should see this.”

Harry reluctantly pulled his hands away from his face and looked down. Louis had pushed his trousers down to his thighs, revealing a smooth, slightly raised bump where his dick should be.

“It’s heartbreaking,” Harry said sadly.

“Mm,” Louis agreed, rubbing his hand over his bump and humming. “Kind of feels nice.”

“Oh my God. Stop.”

Louis smirked and pulled his trousers back up. “But there is  _ nothing to do _ here. You’d deny me this simple and natural pleasure?”

“Your sister is literally just over there.”

“Oh, shit.” Louis widened his eyes and fiddled with his velcro. “Good point.”

Harry sighed and looked around the toybox. Liam was quietly sobbing in the corner about something or other, and Niall was comforting him while Lottie attempted to brush her hair with a little pink plastic brush.

“I still think we should try wishing on Niall to get out.”

“Get real, Harry.”

“You just said yourself that nothing makes sense here. He’s a wishing troll. What harm could it do?”

Louis sat up. “Niall could get really pissed off at us squeezing at his stomach until his eyes flash alternately. None of that sounds very comfortable.”

Harry shook his head and stood up. Ever since he arrived, he couldn’t stop trying to ponder ways out of here. The toybox was at least fifteen feet tall - or at least the equivalent of fifteen feet, if Harry had been normal sized - and Harry wasn’t exactly an agile climber at the best of times, let alone now that he was made of plastic with very limited joint movement. Added to that, he had absolutely no upper body strength and could pick up almost nothing.

He had to find a way out. He just had to.

-

Days passed and there was no sign of Emily or any kind of light source. There were times that Harry thought he was hungry or needed the toilet, but Niall told him it was his imagination. Those sensations did indeed disappear after the initial few days.

He found himself seeking out Louis for company more than anyone else. Liam and Niall were already close, and so it felt natural for them to gravitate towards each other. Lottie flitted between the two pairings, and Harry almost felt settled.

Which was absolutely crazy.

“Ice cream,” Louis said. “Or for that matter, being cold. Or hot.”

“You miss being cold?” Harry scoffed. “Idiot.”

“I just miss feeling something.” Louis looked at him from where he was laying on the bed. “Your turn.”

“Um… the rain.”

“Ugh. Good one.” Louis let out a little whine. “Driving in the rain. Ooh, running from Sainsbury’s to the car in the rain!  _ Kissing _ in the rain.”

Harry laughed softly. “Yeah.”

“You know when you’re kissing, and you get absolutely soaked, but you’re just so eager for each other and you press against one another and then you go inside and you both need a shower, and-”

“Alright, that’s enough. I don’t need the gory details of your sex life.”

“Or lack of it, rather.” Louis pouted. “There’s no privacy in this box. Nowhere to go to… you know. Rub my mound.”

“If you don’t stop, I’m gonna sit over there and listen to Liam’s monologue about biscuits.”

“No, don’t leave me.” Louis sighed and placed a rigid hand on Harry’s arm. “It must be kind of interesting. Lottie and Niall seem very interested.”

“They’re just better friends to Liam than we are,” Harry said with a yawn.

“You’re annoying when you do that.”

“Do what?”

“Yawn!” Louis got up and started to pace. “And cough. And sniff. You don’t sleep, you don’t have phlegm, you don’t have bloody lungs. Just stop making noise for the sake of it.”

“Sorry! God. They’re just habits.”

“Well, stop doing them.”

Louis wandered off to pace the perimeter - which Harry noticed he liked to do when he got huffy - so Harry laid down on the bed. He closed his eyes and pretended that the bed was still warm from Louis’ body. It was random stuff like that that Harry always took for granted when he was human. The warmth from someone’s body. The cooing of a pigeon. The peaceful yet majestic gushing of a waterfall.

Great. Now he had a phantom urge to wee.

He found himself drifting off, even though he was incapable of sleep. He must have gone into some sort of trance from being so bored, because when he was brought back to reality, Louis was laying next to him.

“Sorry I was grumpy,” Louis said. “You didn’t deserve how rude I was to you.”

“It’s okay,” Harry said with a sigh. “It’s hard, being confined in here.”

“It is.” Louis pressed an awkward kiss to Harry’s shoulder. “We  _ will _ get out of here.”

“Definitely! At some point.”

Louis turned onto his side and faced Harry. “Can we stay friends when we do?”

“Of course.”

Louis opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again. When he opened his mouth again, he began to speak barely above a whisper.

“Harry, I want to ask you something. I… wanna try something out and I wondered if you’d try it with me.”

“Something to get us out?”

“No…” Louis cleared his throat, and Harry resisted in telling him that it was an unnecessary noise. “Just something to, um, pass the time? And make us feel better.”

“Oh, I’m definitely up for it, then.”

“It’s just- I want to see how it feels if we, like… rub.”

“Rub?” Harry asked.

“Like… mounds? Mound on mound, or mound on arse, or-”

“Louis!” Harry laughed in disbelief. “So, are you actually asking me to attempt sex with you?”

“I guess. Whatever. Don’t laugh at me, okay? Just say no. It’s just… it’s been ages, and I-”

“I’ll do it.” Harry immediately moved to try and undo his velcro trousers. “I have nothing else better to do.”

“How romantic.”

“Well, it’s not as intimate as outside, is it? As humans? No boners, no fluids, no penetration. No sweat. Not even any body warmth.”

“You’re obsessed with body heat,” Louis murmured. “Wait. We should conceal ourselves. I still want privacy. Especially from my sister.”

“How?” Harry looked around. “I mean, this crappy blanket could cover the vital areas.”

“Ugh.” Louis scanned the room. “Hey! Is that Lego over there?”

They both got up and walked over. There, concealed by a small teddy that looked like it might have come with a Happy Meal, was a pile of Lego.

“Let’s build ourselves a screen!”

So, they got to work. It was hard, what with their lack of strength, but once they had pieced together several blocks to make a wall that came up to Harry’s hip and was twice as wide, Louis sighed happily and stood back to admire their work.

“I think we did a great job.”

“I’m exhausted.”

“Literally impossible. Now,” Louis said, disappearing behind the wall. “Come round here.”

By the time Harry rounded the wall, Louis had pushed his trousers down. It was sad, really, looking down on him, his plastic mound shining from the sliver of light peeking in through a tiny gap in the toy box wall, his face eager and hopeful. 

Harry sighed to himself. “Well, get your top off, too. Let’s at least try and make this feel slightly real.”

Louis did as he was instructed as Harry undressed himself. Once they were both naked, Harry looked down at Louis again. The Ken body was ugly. Sure, they both had great abs, but their legs were detachable. 

That gave Harry pause. At least if this felt good and they were going to be in here for a while, they could experiment with some very strange positions.

“Come on, big boy.”

Harry widened his eyes. “Never say that again.”

“Sorry. I’m trying to be alluring.”

Harry maneuvered himself onto the floor and then crawled up to plank over Louis. He lowered himself, bumping their mounds together. It actually felt quite good, so he used his shoulders to rub himself up and down against Louis, who was starting to groan.

“Fuck, I was right.” He groaned again. “This feels great.”

“It does.” Harry felt a bit weirded out that he wasn’t getting hot and sweaty and out of breath, but something was definitely happening inside of him, and so he sped up as best he could. “Hey! I’m starting to feel warm!”

“It’s probably the friction,” Louis croaked out. “Fuck, I’m close.”

Harry reckoned he was close too. He tried his best to grind down harder on Louis before Louis began to twitch beneath him, moaning loudly before something absolutely terrible happened.

Harry gasped and rolled off of Louis, who just laid there.

“What’s the matter?” Louis asked. “God, that felt good.”

“Um, Louis.” Harry stared at him, wide eyed. “Your, um… your head caved in.”

“What?!”

“Your face. It went… in.” Harry shuddered. “It’s popping back out now. Gradually.”

“Oh.” Louis brought a hand up to his face. “Maybe air pressure, or something.”

“It was horrifying.”

“Sorry, I guess.” Louis pouted. “Did you come?”

“Not after that.” Harry shook his head. “I mean you didn’t  _ come.” _

“I reached orgasm, then.” Louis placed his hand on Harry’s mound. He began to rub, and Harry hummed.

“Feels so good.”

Louis continued to rub, pushing his hand between Harry’s legs. Harry inhaled sharply.

“That okay?” Louis asked.

“Feels so good,” Harry moaned quietly. “Keep going. I’m close.”

Harry felt like he was rattling around inside his plastic shell as he got closer and closer, and he felt like his entire body was compacting and expanding all at once, before he crested with a shout and dropped his head back to the floor.

“This is so weird,” Harry said as Louis pulled his hand out from between his legs. “Considering all the things we cannot do as dolls, it’s pretty odd that we can climax.”

“Your head caved in,” Louis mused, lifting a plastic hand to gently touch the side of Harry’s face. “I see why you freaked out. At least I knew it might happen.”

“Hm, must be a weird pressure thing, like you said.”

Louis smiled, before kissing Harry on the cheek. 

“Let’s get dressed and go see the others.”

-

They tried their best to not let it show that something had happened between them. If Harry was honest, he quite liked Louis. If things were different, he might have been interested in him. As it was, he wasn’t sure that any kind of relationship - beyond rubbing mounds until their heads caved in - was very plausible inside the toybox.

The five of them were sitting in a circle, exchanging stories, when the toybox was suddenly flooded with light. They all looked up - those of them who could move that way - and, right there in the middle of their circle, landed a sixth inmate.

Just like that, the lid slammed shut and they were once again plunged into darkness. The box was silent, except for Liam’s exaggerated unsteady bear breath. The newcomer stirred, scrambling to get to their feet. Harry’s eyes adjusted and he could see that the newcomer was an Action Man, dressed in khaki with plastic army paraphernalia attached to him.

“Oh God,” Harry scoffed.

“Is your gun real?!” Liam blurted out.

“Uh?” Action Man grunted, getting to his feet. “Fuck, where am I?”

Louis’ face lit up. “A Yorkshire accent!”

Action Man turned to look at Louis as if he was mad. Harry remembered the feeling. This lad had just woken up to a bunch of dolls (and a bear) surrounding him and talking. He had no idea that he was a doll, too.

Niall sighed and took it upon himself to take Action Man to the side to explain everything. Liam’s wide, shiny eyes watched them walk away.

“This is so unfair.” He let out a whine. “I was in great shape, how come I didn’t turn into Action Man?”

“Because you’re a big, cuddly bear at heart,” Louis said with a grin. “Those TV appeals were full of your family saying how warm and kind you were.”

Liam sighed sadly, and Lottie shuffled closer to him.

“We’ll get out of here, Liam. I promise you.”

“Don’t say that to him,” Louis whispered.

“We  _ will _ get out,” Lottie replied, a little more forcefully.

Harry found himself craving a cigarette, which was odd, since he hadn’t smoked since he was eighteen. He supposed he was under a lot of stress and, as Niall came back, he felt anxious.

“Alright. His name is Zayn, and he’s pretty shaken. He needs to be alone, and I want all of you to respect that. Okay?”

Everybody murmured their agreement.

“Good,” Niall continued. “Evidently, he was commissioned to paint a mural on the side of Emily’s school, and he told her off for sticking bubble gum on the wall.”

“Brat,” Lottie mumbled.

“And,” Niall said. “Don’t worry, Liam. His gun is completely plastic.”

Liam sighed with relief. “Thank you.”

“So, he’s a painter? An artist?” Harry asked. “Cool. I thought, when I saw his get up, he was gonna be, like, macho army straight man.”

“Nah. He’s fairly introverted, so it might take him a while to come out of his shell. Just give him space.”

It took Zayn an entire day to come out of the corner nook Niall had fashioned him out of a few of the Happy Meal toys, and he carefully walked over to the group.

“Um… hi. I’m Zayn.”

“Hi, Zayn,” Louis said. “Come and join us. We were discussing our favourite foods.”

“McDonald’s quarter pounder, hands down,” Lottie said. “If I could eat anything right now…”

“Big Mac all the way,” Niall countered.

Harry tried to observe Zayn without being obvious. He wondered how Zayn ended up turning into an Action Man doll. Did Emily pick what people got turned into, or was it something to do with their personality? Their soul? From what Louis was saying, Liam turning into a teddy bear made sense. 

Who knew. Really, it didn’t matter. What mattered was getting out of here. Changing back.

“So, how hard have you guys actually tried to get out of here?” Zayn asked.

“Niall said there’s no way out,” Louis said. “He and Liam were here before the rest of us.”

“There’s so much stuff here,” Zayn mused. “Can’t we, like, stack stuff and just climb out?”

“We don’t have any kind of strength,” Harry said, slightly irritated. As if they have just been sitting there this whole time when they could have got out. “We can’t lift anything, and even if we reached the lid, we can’t open it.”

“You guys really have no strength?” Zayn tilted his head and stood up. “Because I have.”

He grabbed hold of Niall by the hair and lifted. Niall let out a shriek as Zayn easily held him above the ground with one hand. He shrugged. 

“Holy shit!” Niall said, swaying.

“Not to be a Debbie downer,” Lottie started, before sighing. “Even if we get out, what are we supposed to do then? We’ll be, like, ten inches tall. If Emily’s cat comes along, we’re all done for.”

“The thing is, we don’t know how she’s done this to us,” Zayn replied. “Maybe if we get out, it’ll break the… spell, or whatever.”

“That’s just wishful thinking!” Lottie rolled her eyes. “There’s no reason to think that’s the case. If we make it out of here and we don’t change back, we’ll be a lot worse off. I promise.”

“This is a mess,” Liam said miserably and started to sob.

Zayn cocked an eyebrow at him before turning back to Lottie.

“Isn’t it better to at least try, though?”

“I… I see where you’re coming from, but-” She rubbed her forehead. “Louis? Harry? You two have been quiet.”

Harry shrugged. “I really don’t know.”

Louis cleared his throat and stood up. “I think Zayn’s right. We need to at least try.”

Lottie stared daggers at him for a moment before sighing.

“Fine. If my big brother thinks it’s a good idea, I’m willing to accept it.”

-

Zayn was insanely strong. He stood the bed on its end and used Harry and Louis’ Lego sex wall to build some steps. Zayn grabbed the last Lego block and, followed by Niall, he headed to the top.

“Alright,” Zayn said with a sigh. “I’m gonna stand on your shoulders and use this Lego block to wedge open the lid.”

Niall looked nervous, but he stood flush with the edge of the toy box and let Zayn climb up onto his shoulders. Zayn, with a loud grunt, lifted the lid of the toy box and stuck the Lego block in it sideways.

Everybody on the ground let out a cheer.

“We’re going home!” Liam gushed.

“Calm down, teddy,” Lottie soothed. “Don’t get your hopes up.”

“Who’s first?” Zayn called. 

“You go,” Louis told Harry.

“No, you should.”

“What about… hey.” Louis frowned and lowered his voice so that only Harry could hear him. “What about Liam? I don’t think there’s any way he’s gonna be able to get up those steps, even if all of us help him.”

“Oh,” Harry replied sadly. “You’re right.”

“I’ll stay with him,” Lottie said, walking over. “When you guys get out, if you get changed back, you’ll come and help us.”

“Of course we will,” Louis said softly. “That doesn’t mean you need to stay with him. I’d come back for him anyway.”

“Oh, I know you would, Lou. But he’d just be so scared on his own.”

Louis paused, before nodding. “You’re right. He’d be terrified. Stay with him. We’ll come for you.”

Harry headed up and explained Liam and Lottie’s situation to Zayn. Louis followed, and Zayn told him to bring the first step, the brick of Lego, up with him.

Zayn lifted Harry by the waist, climbed on Niall’s shoulders, and unceremoniously flung Harry out of the gap between the box and the lid.

-

When Harry came to, he was disappointed to note he was still a Ken doll, but he was relieved to see Louis laying on the carpet next to him.

“Fuck,” Louis groaned. “That actually almost hurt.”

“What’s going on? Where are the others?”

Harry heard Niall screaming, before hearing him thud to the carpet. Harry and Louis struggled to their feet and dashed over to him.

“You got out! Where’s Zayn?”

“He’s gonna stand on that Lego brick and try and jump out, but there’s no guarantee he’s gonna be able to-”

Zayn landed directly on Niall’s head. 

“We made it!”

“Maybe,” Niall said, grunting as Zayn rolled off of him and he stood up. “But we’re still small. Just like Lottie predicted.”

“Then we need a plan.”

“I’m so bored of plans,” Harry whined. 

“Yeah, well. I’m bored of being a dolly.” Zayn straightened his clothes and looked around the room. “Right. Let’s use our logic.”

“We’re all literal airheads,” Harry replied, feeling aggravated.

“Whatever.  _ I’ll _ think of something, then.”

Zayn marched around the room, and Harry sat down with a sigh. It was nice, at least, to be out in the open. It was clearly daytime, as light was streaming in through the window and it made Harry feel almost human again. He wanted a shower. He wanted to curl up in bed. He wanted to eat. He wanted to take a shit.

He needed to find a way to get that all back.

Standing to his feet, he started to walk over to join Zayn. He wasn’t sure how much help he could be, but he had to at least try. Zayn was inspecting a skirting board, and Harry was a mere few strides away, when he heard something to his left.

Shit. It was a cat, and it was looking at him with intense interest. There was absolutely no way he would be able to outrun a cat - which was taller than him - so he dropped down to the carpet and played dead. Like the cat cared. 

It grabbed Harry in its mouth and jogged out of the room. Harry knew he was done for. Lottie had been right all along. There was nothing he could do, and he wondered if he would stay ‘alive’ if the cat tore him to pieces. 

The cat took him downstairs and into the kitchen, dropping him onto the hard floor and began to nibble on his foot. 

“Lulu, what have you got there?”

A woman crouched down and grabbed hold of Harry, and the cat meowed sadly. The woman frowned, staring at Harry.

“Help!” Harry croaked.

The woman jumped and clutched her chest.

“Ooh! You gave me a fright!”

“Help me! I’m a person! Emily turned me into a doll!”

“Did she now?”

“There’s more upstairs.”

To Harry’s alarm, the woman placed him back on the ground, but instantly she pointed at him and he felt himself swell up until he was full-sized. He lifted his knees, clenched his fist. He was human.

“Oh my God, thank you.”

“Don’t worry,” the woman said with a sigh. “Emily is in  _ big _ trouble.”

Harry followed her upstairs to Emily’s room. 

“That’s Zayn, the Action Man. That’s Niall there, and Louis, who lives next door to you.” Harry pointed to each of them. “And still inside the toy box are Louis’ sister, Lottie, and Emily’s teacher, Liam.”

“The  _ missing _ teacher?” The woman gasped. “That girl is in more than trouble.”

The woman - presumably Emily’s mum - turned each of them back, one by one. She stood back for a few minutes while everyone got reacquainted.

“Alright,” Harry said, smirking at Louis. “You’re kind of cute.”

“Same,” Louis said, reaching out to graze Harry’s forearm as he looked him up and down. “Gosh, you’re a real person.”

“I’m  _ me!” _ Liam yelped from behind them. They both turned to look at him.

“Fucking hell, Liam,” Harry said, impressed. “You really are fit.”

Liam smiled, and Harry felt pleased. Niall was much better looking in real life, and Lottie was a pretty, leggy blonde. No wonder she turned into a Barbie. Zayn was gorgeous, too, but aside from that, there was no explanation to why he turned into an Action Man.

“Right, I think you lot deserve some lunch,” Emily’s mum announced, gesturing for everybody to follow her.

It was grim. The six of them ate like food was going out of fashion. Pasta with tomato sauce and cheese, garlic bread, salad. Over lunch, Emily’s mum explained that they were a family of witches, and swore them all to secrecy. They all agreed, on the condition that Emily wouldn’t be able to do something like it again.

Everybody went their separate ways. Liam headed to the police station to report himself unmissing, Louis and Lottie headed next door to a family who were probably going out of their minds, Niall and Zayn did the same and Harry got straight on the phone to his mother.

He had no idea what he should say. The truth was out of the question.

-

He knocked on the door and tapped his fingers on the tin. Being able to move his fingers independently of one another was a simple, yet amazing feeling, and he would never take it for granted ever again.

“Hey!”

Harry looked up from his fingers and beamed at Lottie.

“Hi!” He held out the tin. “Baked some brownies.”

She grinned. “Wait until I tell Louis. Come in.”

It was only three days later, but the gang had all reunited for a barbecue at Louis and Lottie’s. They had come to an agreement that maybe they should get to know each other in real life, who they truly were, rather than the characteristics they may have taken on as their toy personas. Harry didn’t feel like he personally was any different, but he reckoned that Liam probably wasn’t a snivelling, worrying, stuffy-headed kind of person.

In fact, Liam turned out to be a light, witty, clever man who still maintained the warm and cuddly aspects that he had in the toy box. Niall was chirpy and laughed all the time, and Zayn maintained almost no Action Man traits - except for his perfectly chiselled jaw - but the introverted, shy man that first dropped into the toy box seemed fairly true to life.

Then there was Louis and Lottie. Harry hadn’t spend an awful lot of time around Lottie - she spent most of her time in the box around Liam, which she was doing in human form, too - but she definitely looked like a Barbie. She and Niall couldn’t seem to shake their fondness and protectiveness for Liam, which Harry thought was very sweet. Louis was over by the barbecue, chatting away to Zayn about something or another.

Louis seemed a lot less irritable in real life. Maybe it was because he was so animated as a human, but Louis was far better looking than he had been as a Ken doll. He threw his head backwards as he let out a laugh in response to something that Zayn said, and Harry couldn’t help but smile.

He walked over to join the two of them. Louis gave him a dazzling, cheeky smile, and Zayn immediately pulled his phone out of his pocket to show Harry the mural he had been in the middle of when he had been turned into Action Man. The colourful, spray-painted wall art encouraged kids to read books and Harry couldn’t help but smile.

“It’s wonderful,” he told Zayn. “I just hope that one day Emily can appreciate it.”

“Oh, she won’t get chance,” Louis said. “Her mum’s sending her off to a specialist school.”

“For badly behaved kids?”

Louis quirked an eyebrow. “For badly behaved witches.”

Harry cackled. “Yeah. She deserves it.”

Louis and Lottie’s mum came out into the garden with a plate of sausages for Louis to cook, and he used the opportunity to ask her to take a photo of the lot of them.

They all gathered round and smiled for the photo. Louis stood in between Zayn and Harry, and in front of them, Niall, Lottie and Liam crouched down. Afterwards, Harry returned to the barbecue with Louis, and Liam strolled over.

“Lads,” he said with a sigh. “I’m really embarrassed.”

“About what?” Harry asked.

“My- my behaviour in the box.”

“Come on, Liam.” Louis turned around and grinned. “You were literally a teddy bear. You had stuffing for a brain. We all know it wasn’t really you.”

“I don’t cry very much,” Liam insisted. “And I’m not as emotional. Or… glum.”

“We know.” Harry slapped him on the arm and grinned. “Anyway, I guess you’ll have to just keep hanging out with us to prove it.”

“Really?” Liam asked, wide grin splitting his face in half. “Cool.”

After Louis had cooked and dished out all of the food, he sat down on a patio step with Harry to eat a burger. Harry could not have been happier. His burger was juicy and cheesy and really hit the spot, just the kind of thing he had been craving in the box. The satisfaction of being hungry and subsequently quenching it was so simple, yet so sweet.

“So.” Louis wiped his mouth with a napkin and dropped his paper plate to the patio next to him. “Should we talk about what happened in the box?”

“What do you mean?” Harry asked innocently. “Liam being scared of Zayn’s gun?”

“You idiot.” Louis bumped into him. “You know what I mean.”

“Well,” Harry said, clearing his throat. “If you’re talking about the fact that we  _ rubbed mounds…  _ I don’t know. We had needs and we were being held captive.”

“Oh.”

“But, I mean… I couldn’t exactly ask you out on a date in there, could I?”

Louis rolled his eyes and gave Harry a hard stare. “Right, what are you actually saying?”

Harry grinned and shuffled closer so their sides were pressed together. 

“I’d like to hang out, just you and me, and I also wouldn’t mind  _ rubbing mounds _ again.”

“I hope you don’t literally mean rubbing.” Louis stood up and held his hand out. “Come on.”

“What?” Harry said, putting his hand in Louis’ and letting him pull him up. 

“Well, I like all these guys, but we were trapped in a toy box with them. Want some alone time?”

Louis was smiling sweetly, but Harry sensed a heated undertone to his words. He had to admit, the thought of being alone with Louis, in the quiet and maybe in the presence of a bed, was insanely enticing.

“I look a bit different with my clothes off these days,” Harry told Louis as he was led inside.

“Really?” Louis stopped as they got into the kitchen, spun around and pulled Harry in. Harry closed his eyes, feeling the warm, damp kiss course through his body,  _ really _ feeling it. “Well, I move better in real life.”

“That’s a relief,” Harry said with a grin as Louis continued to pull Harry towards the stairs. 

“I’ve even got orifices that I might let you penetrate.”

Harry laughed loudly as he ran up the stairs after Louis.

**Author's Note:**

> [Fic post is here if you wish to reblog <3](https://dinosaursmate.tumblr.com/post/186257158256/life-in-plastic-aint-fantastic-by-dinosaursmate)


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